For the past several weeks I have worked on the same blog post. I think it is time to give up on that one and start anew. My darling boy now has daily writing homework for a minimum of fifteen minutes. He can write for as long as he wants. We have made an agreement that when he writes, I write. He informed me that writing on the computer is cheating because it checks my spelling but once I assured him that I could still make mistakes, he accepted our arrangement.
Dsylexia has played havoc with darling boys reading, writing and math skills from the time he was little. For people with severe cases of dsylexia, there can also be issues with short term memory. My guy is one of them. I never liked math because it didn't come easily but watching my son struggle over and over with the same calculations might nearly turn me into a math meanie. How dare it make things so difficult for my boy?! Why must it behave so cruelly when he loves it so? Despite the challenges, darling boy swears that he loves math and is going to be a scientist who uses math every day. I'm thrilled that I have managed to mask my inner math meanie enough that darling boy has hopes and dreams that may be difficult but not impossible to achieve.
While my insurance battle rages on, I've had to back off seeing certain physicians. Between the co-pays, the out-pocket-costs, gas, parking and some days, the simple act of getting out of bed to get to the appointment, getting myself to the care I need has become a greater and greater challenge. I've also had to accept that my frame of mind is much more dark than in days past. Accepting the darkness as part of the process is, frankly, terrifying. If I accept that I am truly as ill as I've been diagnosed, then that means that more than one dream for my life is dead with no hope of revival. This is not a place I had ever expected to be. Most people don't, I'm fairly sure. Especially when you are not yet 40.
A friend who I haven't talked with in a few months recently asked me to meet her "half way" in our friendship. She was trying to encourage me to move forward toward a goal I had set for myself and her follow up is certainly appreciated. What struck me was that I realized I can no longer meet myself "half way", let alone my friends. It is difficult to answer the phone when there is not much positive news to report. It is hard to go out when much of the process involves everyone else making accomidations for your needs. It is overwhelmingly sad to watch people's faces when they have heard more than they want about a medical condition or quickly change the subject because you have become to morose in your tone (like right about now in this blog post...). To have a mind that is still capable of doing the work it once did but a body unable to fulfill even some of the simpliest requests (despite looking for all the world that it is truly fine) has become one of my greatest points of frustration
The contrast to this darkness is, of course, the light of humor, joy and laughter that my friends and family bring to me despite my gloom. The quick phone message, email or funny post on FB are deeply valued interactions. In order to create some of my own light, I look for moments in my day where I can give, do or say something to brighten the day for someone else. It is remarkably rewarding to make someone smile when it is difficult to smile yourself. Making children laugh has always come pretty easily for me. I can usually calm screaming babies, entertain cranky two year olds and make funny faces with elementary age kids. Being a mom, I appreciate when someone enjoys being around my child so I try to return the favor. In a way, this is a new version of an old dream. My darling boy is the love of my life but his father and I wish dearly that we could give him a sibling but for many reasons, that is not to be.
The darling boys struggles but loves math. He dreams of science and equations in his future. Perhaps some of this love comes from a father who loves science too, an honorary aunt who teaches math and shares her love of it with him, or his teacher who constantly encourages his efforts. My future is right now and my childhood dream has gone. For the moment, I may have found a little something to replace it. I've started anew.
Dsylexia has played havoc with darling boys reading, writing and math skills from the time he was little. For people with severe cases of dsylexia, there can also be issues with short term memory. My guy is one of them. I never liked math because it didn't come easily but watching my son struggle over and over with the same calculations might nearly turn me into a math meanie. How dare it make things so difficult for my boy?! Why must it behave so cruelly when he loves it so? Despite the challenges, darling boy swears that he loves math and is going to be a scientist who uses math every day. I'm thrilled that I have managed to mask my inner math meanie enough that darling boy has hopes and dreams that may be difficult but not impossible to achieve.
While my insurance battle rages on, I've had to back off seeing certain physicians. Between the co-pays, the out-pocket-costs, gas, parking and some days, the simple act of getting out of bed to get to the appointment, getting myself to the care I need has become a greater and greater challenge. I've also had to accept that my frame of mind is much more dark than in days past. Accepting the darkness as part of the process is, frankly, terrifying. If I accept that I am truly as ill as I've been diagnosed, then that means that more than one dream for my life is dead with no hope of revival. This is not a place I had ever expected to be. Most people don't, I'm fairly sure. Especially when you are not yet 40.
A friend who I haven't talked with in a few months recently asked me to meet her "half way" in our friendship. She was trying to encourage me to move forward toward a goal I had set for myself and her follow up is certainly appreciated. What struck me was that I realized I can no longer meet myself "half way", let alone my friends. It is difficult to answer the phone when there is not much positive news to report. It is hard to go out when much of the process involves everyone else making accomidations for your needs. It is overwhelmingly sad to watch people's faces when they have heard more than they want about a medical condition or quickly change the subject because you have become to morose in your tone (like right about now in this blog post...). To have a mind that is still capable of doing the work it once did but a body unable to fulfill even some of the simpliest requests (despite looking for all the world that it is truly fine) has become one of my greatest points of frustration
The contrast to this darkness is, of course, the light of humor, joy and laughter that my friends and family bring to me despite my gloom. The quick phone message, email or funny post on FB are deeply valued interactions. In order to create some of my own light, I look for moments in my day where I can give, do or say something to brighten the day for someone else. It is remarkably rewarding to make someone smile when it is difficult to smile yourself. Making children laugh has always come pretty easily for me. I can usually calm screaming babies, entertain cranky two year olds and make funny faces with elementary age kids. Being a mom, I appreciate when someone enjoys being around my child so I try to return the favor. In a way, this is a new version of an old dream. My darling boy is the love of my life but his father and I wish dearly that we could give him a sibling but for many reasons, that is not to be.
The darling boys struggles but loves math. He dreams of science and equations in his future. Perhaps some of this love comes from a father who loves science too, an honorary aunt who teaches math and shares her love of it with him, or his teacher who constantly encourages his efforts. My future is right now and my childhood dream has gone. For the moment, I may have found a little something to replace it. I've started anew.
